“My name is Kevin, and I have been appointed to be your defense attorney. Mr. Sun, correct?”

Kevin was your typical lawyer in an atypical court case, but the peculiar situation did not mean he should present himself as anything but professional. Yet, he did not need his trusty gut feeling to tell him that his client was anything but normal.

“You will address me as the Great Sage, Heaven’s Equal, the Handsome Monkey-King,” the monkey glared up at Kevin from his position imprisoned in the stocks at the base of the mountain. “Begone from my sight before I rip you to pieces.”

“You could, but the Jade Court will simply appoint you another attorney and you would have added another crime to be charged with,” Kevin pulled up a stool and sat down in front of the Monkey King, raising an eyebrow and indicating with a tilt of his head. “Although… I was assured your strength was sealed under this mountain while we had our private attorney-client discussion.”

WuKong’s shoulders rolled angrily and his face tilted upwards as much as possible to look at Kevin straight in the face. “You think you are qualified to defend me?” Without warning, he spat at Kevin’s face. “Are you not a human mortal?”

“Well, if it’s a matter of qualification, the Jade Court has deemed it appropriate to appoint you a defense attorney for your trial, seeing as no other heavenly attorney is predisposed to do it.” Kevin took off his glasses and pulled out a handkerchief to wipe away the spittle. “As for my mortality, I assure you it has no negative bearings on my ability to defend you in court. You have the right to a speedy trial.”

“And a mortal has the experience to defend me in the Jade Court?”

“Heaven is fair. I was … chosen based on my earlier qualification. My last client was Seth for the alleged murder of Osiris, and the Jade Court selected me based on my success in that regard. You wouldn’t be the first mythical being I’ve represented.” Kevin muttered under his breath. “Though, I had hoped you would be easier to talk to.”

“Fair? Heaven is fair?” The Monkey King repeated mockingly, “If they were, I would not be locked up here for the injustice they brought upon me. Fair in what way?”

“Well, let’s see,” Kevin opened his brief case and pulled out the document he had prepared, putting on his glasses again. “You will be charged with the following:

• Grand Larceny of the Heavenly Peach Garden
• Theft of Laozi’s Pills of Immortality
• Armed Robbery of Jade Emperor’s royal wine
• Aggravated Assault
• Extortion of the Dragon Kings
• Wanton destruction of property, including the Book of Life and Death
• Resisting arrest
• Identity Theft
• Disrupting the Heavenly Order

And…” Kevin blinked at the document, “um, Indecent Exposure for urinating on Buddha’s finger?”

“He deserved that one,” the Monkey King protested, “If one did not want their finger pissed on they shouldn’t present it as a pillar.”

“Well, certainly there can be a case for misrepresentation there, but the Jade Court will take it seriously.” Kevin put away the document and exhaled a sigh of frustration.

Why, oh why, were mythical beings always in need of a good defense attorney?