“Well, seeing your stupendous achievement in defending the Monkey King in Court, you’ve been assigned to —”

Kevin held up his hand. “Is it another mythological figure?”

The angelic clerk paused, her halo shimmering with light as she peered at him. “Well, mythological is —”

“Is it a deity.” He asked flatly.

She sighed. “Well, you probably know of her. Have you heard of Demeter?”

“Look,” Kevin sighed, “I just want to go on my way to Heaven, and here you are, assigning me new clients just because it’s convenient? Is that even right?”

“That can’t be helped, I’m afraid,” the angel gave him a brilliant smile, “You’re the first lawyer that’s come up to Heaven since…well, since Abraham Lincoln. We do have quite the backlog of cases due to the lack of available defense attorneys, so if you’d just be a dear and —”

“And if I don’t want to do it?”

She flapped her wings and levitated higher over him, then peered downwards. “That would be quite unbecoming of a lawyer who is entering Heaven due to his lifelong achievements in defending the needy on the mortal plane.”

“Don’t guilt trip me. Deities are hardly needy.”

She held out her hands in a gesture of “what can you do?” at him.

“Demeter needs a defending attorney. The Court has determined that they cannot try her until she has adequate representation, and this trial has already been postponed for over three centuries. Even Lincoln agreed to see through a few cases for us before he went on to Heaven. Can’t you do the same?”

“How much was ‘a few?'”

“Well,” she replied hastily, “We weren’t exactly expecting almost two centuries to pass by before the next lawyer made it up here, so you’ll understand when we didn’t exactly make him go through the entire backlog and —”

“That isn’t an answer to my question.”

“Well…” she looked to the side, then back at him. “One hundred!”

Kevin held her gaze. “One hundred.”

“Yes.”

“Out of curiosity, can angels lie?”

“No, of course not!”

“And…” Kevin’s gaze hardened, “Would you be willing to commit to that statement in court?”

“…No.”

“Hmm.” He looked around for a chair, and seeing none on the heavenly terrace, decided to just sit down and cross his legs. “So can I just refuse and go through those pearly gates?”

“I— well,” she pulled a series of scrolls out of thin air and began rifling through them. “Please give me a moment.”

“You seem to be new at this.” Kevin pressed.

“I’ve been doing this since before your grandfather was born,” she snapped, not looking up from her scrolls.

“Far be it from me to judge, but that still seems relatively new.”

“Aha!” the angel tossed aside the rest of the scrolls, which melted into thin air, then began reading the one she was still holding. “As you originate from the Taoist faith, in order to continue on your Taoist path and reincarnate accordingly, the Heavens have jurisdiction over how that is implemented. In which, I could simply send you on the way to Heaven, thus preventing you from ever reincarnating and unable to continue your reincarnation, in which your best choice of action would be to—”

“Then do so.”

“— comply henceforth with the request and—what?” She paused, looking at him from over the scroll.

“Send me on my way to Heaven.” Kevin pressed his lips together as he looked at her with a raised brow.

“But…you don’t want to reincarnate?” She was confused.

Kevin shook his head. “You would never make it as a lawyer. I already said that I just want to get on with this and go to Heaven.”

“But…” she pulled out another scroll with his visage on it and then peered furiously at it. “It says you originate from the Taoist faith! I —”

“Keep reading.”

“The chronicled became atheist later in life, then became an omnist during his time in Limbo, having … met and represented … multiple entities … from different religions.” The angel slowed down as she finished.

Kevin shrugged at her baffled expression. “Hey, free will and all that. There aren’t any rules about changing my mind after death, no? Plus the evidence is so compelling.”

“Yes…I mean…but then…”

“Well, you just threatened to send me to Heaven, right?” Kevin smiled at her, eerily reminiscent of the way she had smiled at him earlier. “I assume you are experienced enough to do that?”

“She could, but then Heaven’s problem remains unresolved.” The clouds around their feet gathered and with a flash of light, another being appeared above them. This one had six wings, and Kevin recognized the significant number.

“Seraph,” he greeted cautiously.

The seraph tilted his head to the angel with closed eyes, who was bowing her head. “Sofiel, you’ve done well. I will oversee this matter now.”

“Well, I wasn’t expecting all this fanfare when I finished the previous two trials at having been explicitly told it was just a minor snag for me to get into Heaven.” Kevin smiled cheekily upwards at the seraph. “There’s so much more to get into Heaven than I expected, I almost want to reincarnate so I can update a few Holy Books.”

The seraph descended and touched ground, laughing all the while. “That can be arranged. In fact, many things can be arranged for you — the question at hand is what you want.”

This was new to Kevin. “You must be someone powerful to say that, or have someone backing you. May I know your name?”

The seraph stepped forward, folding his wings against his back, tall and imposingly brilliant. “I was granted the name Metatron.”

Kevin stifled the urge to take a step backwards, but the name made his neck itch with recognition.

“And if what I want is to simply what I was promised?” He asked cautiously.

“That can be given to you, as Heaven is true to its promises. But before that, there is…an offer.”

“I don’t need to hear it. Send me on my way.” Kevin closed his eyes and smiled at the seraph’s direction.

“Regrets of the chronicled: unable to solve global hunger despite donating vast amounts of wealth. Outspoken activist for reducing the wealth inequality of his country and between countries. Failure to defend brother in court for charges of libel through publication of Halo Papers. Ultimate cause of death, choosing to help —”

“Alright, enough!” Kevin opened his eyes angrily and glared at the seraph, then looked away when the light seared his eyes. “What do you want?”

“The Heavenly Court is in dire need of a defense attorney, and as we are unable to discern when, or even if, the next lawyer is going to come up to Heaven, we require your assistance. In turn, the Powers That Be are willing to make you an extraordinary offer: your client would be authorized — and obliged — to help you solve lingering regrets.” Metatron paused, then added, “Upon your winning their defense case, of course.”

Kevin held a hand over his eyes as he tried to look at the hem of Metatron’s glaringly white robe. “Hah. And what would I want from Demeter?”

“As the Greek Goddess of Agriculture, I am quite certain she would be more than happy to spread a bounteous harvest in any country you would like to aid…or deny a harvest to any areas you deem to have too much surplus.”

“I’m not going to take from others.” The glowing light was more bearable now, and Kevin could squint at the seraph. “But, I can ask them for anything?”

“It would be up to your whim however you use your payment, but be warned that your clients are only obliged to help you within their powers once and once only.” Metatron smiled down at Kevin. “Do you accept?”

“I reserve the right to enter Heaven anytime?”

Metatron inclined his head. “That is your right. But once you make that decision, you enter Heaven and this opportunity is no longer offered to you. And finally, you can not choose to abandon your post as a client’s legal counsel in the middle of a case.”

“Will I be penalized for failures to defend a client?”

“No, of course not.” Metatron gestured and a scroll appeared in his hand. “You will be insulated from the client’s wrath as well, assuming it comes to that, though the Heavens will oversee that. If these terms are satisfactory, sign this.”

Kevin looked it over. It contained everything they had just agreed upon.

“How do I know you aren’t lying?” He jerked his head towards Sofiel, who was making a childish expression at him. “She established that your kind can lie.”

Metatron leaned down to face Kevin and the seraph opened his eyes. In that moment, Kevin stared back into the infinite.

“Do you think I need to lie to you?” The seraph’s voice was loud and silent.

Kevin thought he was falling backwards, but when the seraph stood up again he realized he was still on his feet, a shivering cold running down his ethereal body.

“I’ll sign it.”