Tara’s skydiving instructor winked at me. “For a bit extra, I can tell Tara I forgot a parachute.”

I gave it some thought. “Twenty seconds before you need to open it?”

“Sure.”

I pulled out a twenty dollar bill. “Do it.”

---

Now, you might be thinking: That’s mean, Carl. What if your girlfriend panics?! I sure hope so — I just paid twenty for that. No, I don’t hate her, actually. You see, this all started over a bitch. Oh, not Tara. I’m using the word as it’s intended — for my lovable dog. I consider that an innocent word by the way; reputation ruined because people abuse it. All words are equal!

And I would never use that to refer to women. The only B-word for women is “Beautiful”, which coincidentally refers to my girlfriend.

But don’t tell my girlfriend I said that because it goes to her head. Other words such as “bitter”, “blunt”, and “bad-tempered” certainly would never make it into the same sentence as Tara’s name! No, I did not choose those words out of spite. They were simply the first ones that came to mind. Don’t focus on that.

Now, as for why the twenty dollar purchase. As all things do, my bitch has gotten old. At fourteen years old — oh, is that why they add the word “old” after giving the age? huh, never thought about it — Maple is now less golden retriever and more healthcare receiver. The only thing she’s been retrieving lately are eyebrow raising costs at the vet.

But she’s my Maple and I love her. Yes, even though she can’t control her bowels. That’s my bitch.

Thing is, my beautiful girlfriend didn’t grow up with Maple, and so Tara doesn’t think of Maple as family. That’s fine — you can’t force these things. I care for Maple, pay for Maple’s bills, give Maple baths and groom her, and of course I clean up after Maple’s little messes.

Unfortunately, I can’t always be at home. So when Tara stepped into Maple’s mess on her day off, I caught her disciplining my dog by shoving Maple’s nose into the mess afterwards like it’s something that can still be trained. Words were exchanged — kind ones to Maple, less kind ones to my beautiful girlfriend — and Tara said it’s better for my bitch if she were allowed to sleep. Because, and I quote: “why let Maple suffer the indignity of being unable to control her bowels?”

That was last week.

I dove before Tara, so I got to be on the ground to greet my beautiful girlfriend as she glided down, still strapped to her instructor. White-faced with flushed cheeks, she had the look of someone who just watched The Conjuring while on acid. Upon reaching the ground, she gingerly unstrapped herself and waddled over to me, asking me to help her to the bathroom.

Being an experienced boyfriend, I always keep an extra set of clothes for us in the car. I grabbed her set and brought it to her while she changed, bringing a trash bag for her soiled clothes. She ranted about the experience, asking me why I would ever book this for our anniversary, and more choice words I wouldn’t repeat in front of Maple.

I waited outside for her to get clean, and when Tara finally came out I hugged her. It’s important to be understanding and show a degree of empathy for someone who’s going through hardship, after all. You can’t ever really connect with another’s reality unless you share a similar experience.

Tara returned the hug and thanked me for bringing in fresh clothes for her.

I smiled and pressed her soiled clothes into her face.